Pre Ana and the mirror effects

before my post... thank you dreams and bones(: perfection will be delicious indeed!

I have been thinking of this for a while...
Pre Ana, i remember those days.. eating whatever I want, and somehow i was 100lb, remembering when someone asked me how much i weighed, i modestly sad 105 lb instead. i remember reading my past diaries and seeing, 100lb.. so fat!! now I am 110 lb, and obviously MUCH fatter than i used to be.. I gained those pounds when i was depressed sophmore year, when i was kicked out. down hill from there.. 


that was almost two years ago, and i now wonder, looking back, if ana was always with me.  I was 100lb and thought i was fat, i never thought i was even CLOSE to being thin.. people told me i would disappear if i turned to the side, and the lunch ladies gave me more food because she said i was too thin.  i didn't believe them.. but now i'm 110..  I only eat lunch now, and just bits of it, reason being one, i drink water for breakfast to boost the metabolism, lunch at school, then work at night, so i can just tell my family i ate at work.  The thing is.. i don't understand.  In the morning, i wake up, and i see i have improved, a little more space between my legs, my hip bones are beautiful.  But then.. by the end of the day before I go to sleep, I see the fat patruding everywhere.  What happened to the person i saw in the morning?  THen i decide, i should eat less, drink more water.  Why is it that i feel as though i'm not getting better? Thing is- in the morning i notice i am slightly slightly better, wayyyyy better than in the summer. but by night time, i am back to imperfect, back to being concave out rather than concave in. 


i'm weightlifting and running, eating little and drinking lots. i have faith i will get better. i have faith that i will become who i wanna be in a matter of weeks.. hopefully.  I also want to stop my purging habits, my throat hurts and i dont want yellow teeth, plus i don't wanna have disgusting food in my mouth when i kiss. I try to only purge when i am single..

there are many beautiful things in this fcked up place