i know i haven't been gone for long at all, but i'm SOOO glad to be back from the university of delaware. i mean, don't get me wrong, it was so fun!! i loved the campus, college, parties, boys, and my friends. the only thing that was missing was my ability to read other ana blogs. When i was there, i was able to keep my portions small, ate little and the campus was so big, it felt like a lot of exersize!! i am 110 lb.. but i know that those pounds will knock off sooo soon. i'm not even running right now, since i'm inbetween running seasons right now. it's 4 pm, and i drank 4 water bottles so far. i'm so thirsty. the more water i drink.. the thirstier i get. thank god. but i can't wait for winter track to start, because then i will be running, and working, and i will have no time to eat dinner. i'm excited.(:(:
So.. right b4 the college parties, i borrowed my girl friend's dress. too bad she is STICK THIN and she eats EVERYTHING she wants.. she's so thin and weighs 125 lb. i am fat and i weigh 15 lb less. but that's alright. cuz i know my pounds are gonna drop so fast so soon. i felt as though all her friends (my friend was so popular at college) were all thin, so in order to be liked, i must be thin, infact i will be. i will be(: i will be so thin by the time i go to college. i have only rly been purging and eating my way for a few months. it rly all does add up in the end, or should i say, size down.
party party. party party! i binged a little. but i dont' think that matters cuz i only eat a meal a day now. at college i hope i will stay the same. <3
later on this day, a few hours after the above was written...: so i totally thought i would be fine. So- what happened today, was work at 9 30. i worked from 9 30 to 3 30 which = no lunch. however. my friend michelle brought in some cookies for me, since she didn't like them. I ate them. all.. thinking it was fine. thing was.. once i was done, each COOKIE WAS 140 CALORIES. thank god she only gave me the last cookies.. but still!! thats so many calories!!! after i got home and wrote this post, i went to run. however, i only got to run for 36 minutes because it was getting dark, and i wasn't just running in the neighborhood. so i went inside, ate dinner (brocolli and beef) i figured if i ate only a little of the brocolli and beef, it'd be okay because vegetables are healthy. now it's only 9, and i ate at around 7. digesting takes 3 hours, which means we all have 3 hours chance to purge. i decided earlier today not to purge, cuz it's bad. but i couldn't help it. i saw that i was within the 3 hour zone and purged. purged. i better control myself better and make better decisions so i dont have to kill my organs from purging all the time. when i purged today, i thought i may have lost my purging touch since i haven't done it for a few days. i turned on the music, and went to the bathroom. i made very quiet gagging sounds.. but only like 3 times. so i was sccared, since i trained myself to be quiet. but the music should be a good distraction. but anyway, luckily i haven't lost my touch.. it only took me 2 minutes to purge everything. thank god. i'm going to start my chew and spit habit again. i get the pleasure of the food without suffering the conciquences. i just need to hide my bag of evil chewed food. i was on a rant today.
i have a scar on my hand from purging. others think it's from me burning my hand on the rice cooker. what is the purpose of this scar? to remind me of what i do? i googled the 'purpose of scars' and the first one said, 'your scars are beautiful to God.' are they? well, i know my scars are beautiful to Ana. ana... someone please tell me...
later on this day, a few hours after the above was written...: so i totally thought i would be fine. So- what happened today, was work at 9 30. i worked from 9 30 to 3 30 which = no lunch. however. my friend michelle brought in some cookies for me, since she didn't like them. I ate them. all.. thinking it was fine. thing was.. once i was done, each COOKIE WAS 140 CALORIES. thank god she only gave me the last cookies.. but still!! thats so many calories!!! after i got home and wrote this post, i went to run. however, i only got to run for 36 minutes because it was getting dark, and i wasn't just running in the neighborhood. so i went inside, ate dinner (brocolli and beef) i figured if i ate only a little of the brocolli and beef, it'd be okay because vegetables are healthy. now it's only 9, and i ate at around 7. digesting takes 3 hours, which means we all have 3 hours chance to purge. i decided earlier today not to purge, cuz it's bad. but i couldn't help it. i saw that i was within the 3 hour zone and purged. purged. i better control myself better and make better decisions so i dont have to kill my organs from purging all the time. when i purged today, i thought i may have lost my purging touch since i haven't done it for a few days. i turned on the music, and went to the bathroom. i made very quiet gagging sounds.. but only like 3 times. so i was sccared, since i trained myself to be quiet. but the music should be a good distraction. but anyway, luckily i haven't lost my touch.. it only took me 2 minutes to purge everything. thank god. i'm going to start my chew and spit habit again. i get the pleasure of the food without suffering the conciquences. i just need to hide my bag of evil chewed food. i was on a rant today.
i have a scar on my hand from purging. others think it's from me burning my hand on the rice cooker. what is the purpose of this scar? to remind me of what i do? i googled the 'purpose of scars' and the first one said, 'your scars are beautiful to God.' are they? well, i know my scars are beautiful to Ana. ana... someone please tell me...
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