Back on my Feet

I've been having a really rough past month, but it really isn't that much of a bad thing, depending on how i'll decide to look at it.

I feel like I can put in a lot more effort into workouts now because I think of all the times since I was in elementary school where my parents said I would fail, even though they still do.  Everytime I want to give up or put less energy in, I think of them and push through, kind of with anger.  It works so well.

I'm still angry at them, and I think I always will, but if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be in the air force, and I wouldn't have so much motivation to make me be the person I want to be.

I used to hope that once I'm successful, they will be proud of me.  But now I realize they will never think that.  When I become successful, in whatever i put my life into and in how I look, I will thank them for hating me, never believing in me, for telling me I'm useless, and for being my financial parents, and for using me as a scapegoat throughout their lives whenever they needed something to put their anger on.  And I say something because they don't see me as a person

I don't think I'm being dramatic because I'm off birth control, thus moody mood swings are over ish, and because I'm 19.  This has been happening since I was in elementary school.  I guess kids can grow into adults that still act like kids, but I really feel like they have shaped me into the more mature than my age kind of person(so I have been told) since i was 15/16.

Now I think.. why hate what I see in the mirror, when I can transfer my dislike towards my parents into loving my appearance.