Unraveling photos

It's only been an hour and i've already found some distastes, and I just need to express something on this blogging website!! I keep photos of friends and such on this labtop, a photo of my friends as my backround.  As i look at their smiling, beautiful faces, I remember that night, which was only a night or two ago, and remember how ugly i was that night.  My hair wasn't too great, and of course I always wear clothes that make me look huge.  Well, the clothing doesn't make me look huge.  I make the clothing look huge.  It doesn't make me happy how wide I am.  I am a runner.. why don't I have a lean, runner's body?  Because I eat the wrong things? Why can't i eat what other people eat? Today I ate a 4 inch chicken salad sandwich, milk, a few goldish for breakfast, and a small can of peaches.  That's all I ate yesterday, but today I am going to eat dinner because it's my grandmother's birthday.  I will try not to throwup this meal, because it's a special meal for her.. but how why wouldn't I, if i didn't need it?  The thing is, it's not wasting food.  we eat food to enjoy, and i enjoyed it.  I just don't need the coinciquences of digesting it.  I learned that digesting foods takes 3 hours.  I always have 3 hours to do the deed. I've gotten good at it now, I can throwup without making sounds.  I can do it in the bathroom with family right out the door and they wouldn't know.  It's working... The smaller I get, the more I realize how big i was, and i wonder how in the world i was okay with it then.  I feel as though i am getting larger as the spaces between my legs are slowing appearing as well.  I don't want to slow my metabolism.  I drink so much water a day.  I don't want to eat carbohydrates, but I need to run... I didn't get any faster this year. Just fatter. i can't wait to be pretty for once in my life... but i know i won't get there.